SPIKE SPEECH.docx

Evening for Spike = Statue.=20

The idea for tonight=E2=80=99s = fund-raiser came from the=20 Milligan Society, who kindly invited me for a home cooked lunch in = Finchley to=20 explain their idea to raise a statue to Spike in Finchley. Well, since I = now=20 live in Paddington, I accepted. You know actors. We=E2=80=99d go = anywhere for practical=20 food. As Max Bialyshtock said in The Producers;

=E2=80=98I hate actors. = They=E2=80=99re animals. - Ever eat=20 with one? =E2=80=98

The write Bernard Slade, when he = was a child=20 told his father that when he was a grown up he wanted to be an actor. = His father=20 replied; =E2=80=98Er, no son, you can=E2=80=99t be = both.=E2=80=99

When Spike was given a = C.B.E. for=20 services to Comedy, he wrote;

=E2=80=98I can=E2=80=99t see the = point of it really..a Commander=20 of the British empire. They might as well have made me a commander of = Milton=20 Keynes =E2=80=93 at least that exists.=E2=80=99=E2=80=99

Meanwhile, back at lunch in = Finchley, I mopped=20 up the end of my fruit-tart=E2=80=94 oh, incidentally, I found a = wonderful=20 exchange at the Oldie lunch between Spike and Richard = Ingrams;

Spike; Why are you serving Bread and = butter=20 pudding?=E2=80=99

Ingrams; Because it=E2=80=99s = Lent.

Spike; =E2=80=98When do we have to = give it=20 back?

Anyway, back at the Finchley lunch, = I heard a=20 voice say:

=E2=80=98=E2=80=99Well, surely, it = wouldn=E2=80=99t be too difficult to=20 mount an evening to raise a few bob for a Statue, would it?=E2=80=99 = With a small=20 internal whimper I looked around the table and realised it was my voice = that had=20 said it. Everyone but me was nodding and smiling.

Six months, 263 Emails, 85 text = messages, the=20 loss of Joanna Lumley, Barry Cryer and sundry others later. Yes, G bless = Joanna,=20 I=E2=80=99ve had to step in and replace her at various do=E2=80=99s. I=20 usually apologise for the absence of = the thinking man=E2=80=99s crumpet and introduce myself = as, instead,=20 the wrinkled man=E2=80=99s bagel. I watched her this week = cruising down to Luxor,=20 charming the muslin off old Muslims and thought yes, that=E2=80=99s = about right; Joanna=20 gets the engagement on the Nile and I get a marriage made in Hendon. = Still, are=20 we downhearted...well, yes, a bit, actually, but you=E2=80=99ll never = know it from my=20 demeanor.

As for Barry Cryer, well he sent a = joke, which=20 was cheaper than coming on a bus from Hatch End;

A woman is standing in the = kitchen when her=20 husband comes in. =E2=80=98=E2=80=99Quick,=E2=80=99=E2=80=99she cries, = =E2=80=98make love to me NOW...Make love to me=20 NOW.=E2=80=99=E2=80=99What=E2=80=99s the hurry,=E2=80=99 he says, = =E2=80=98why does it have to be=20 now?=E2=80=99

=E2=80=98Cos I=E2=80=99m boiling = an egg for my breakfast=E2=80=99 she=20 retorts =E2=80=98 and the egg-timer=E2=80=99s = broken.=E2=80=99

Yes, it=E2=80=99s a good one = isn=E2=80=99t it? And I notice=20 it=E2=80=99s always the women who find it the = funniest.

Anyway, I gave him one back = =E2=80=93 you have to=20 with Barry;

Three men in the = desert, The=20 English Protestant said;

=E2=80=98Crikey I=E2=80=99m so = I=E2=80=99m thirsty, sooo thirsty.. I=20 must have some water.=E2=80=99

The Protestant Irishman=20 says,;

=E2=80=98Aye but I=E2=80=99m = thirsty! I=E2=80=99m that thirsty... I=20 must have a whiskey.=E2=80=99

Bringing up the rear, the = North London=20 Jew says;

=E2=80=98Oy, I=E2=80=99m = sooo thirsty, I=E2=80=99m sooooooo=20 thirsty....I must have Diabetes.=E2=80=99

Just for good measure, = I=E2=80=99ll throw in the one=20 about the Matchmaker, who tells a young man he=E2=80=99s found him the = perfect bride.=20 She=E2=80=99s beautiful=E2=80=99 he tells him, =E2=80=98reall gorgeous. = She cooks like a dream, she=20 keeps the house spotless, she knits she sews, she loves = children...she=E2=80=99s=20 perfect.

Glumly the young man asks; = =E2=80=98Is she any good=20 in bed?=E2=80=99

=E2=80=98eh..=E2=80=99, replies = the matchmaker, =E2=80=98=E2=80=99some say=20 yes, some say no.....=E2=80=99=E2=80=99

-----------------------------------------------= ----------------------------------------

I guess you=E2=80=99ve all seen the = proposed bronze=20 statue of Spike on a parkbench by artist John sommerville. It will cost = =C2=A350,000,=20 aaargh -which is why we=E2=80=99re all here tonight. I think = it=E2=80=99s a wonderful evocation=20 of the man, sitting in the corner, cap on head, elves and fairies carved = into=20 the wood,it, but I got to wondering what sort of Statue would Spike have = commissioned of himself?

I asked his publisher, the poet = Jeremy Robson,=20 who published many of Spike=E2=80=99s books, beginning with the Goon = Show Scripts, which=20 sold 160,00 copies and was a publishing innovation at the time, for = scripts were=20 never published. After racking his brains for some time..he = said..=E2=80=99My brain=E2=80=99s=20 gone dull, I can=E2=80=99t think at the moment..then he added; =

=E2=80=98You do know that Spike = started every poetry=20 reading by saying;

=E2=80=98I thought I=E2=80=99d begin = by reading one of=20 shakespeare=E2=80=99s Sonnets. But then i thought, why should I, he = never reads one of=20 mine.=E2=80=99=E2=80=99=E2=80=99

It occurred to me that a statue of = William=20 Shakespeare with the caption =E2=80=98Spike Milligan?=E2=80=99 beneath, = would have most amused=20 him no end. After all, it was he who wrote;

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, = I=E2=80=99ll do a sketch of=20 thee.

What kind of pencil shall I = choose? 2B or not=20 2B?

I asked a few luminaries for an = opinion. Tom=20 Coti said =E2=80=98A Statue of Cary Grant.=E2=80=99 Great = minds....

Comic actor Robert Longden, = who worked=20 with him on Treasure Island, got right into Spike=E2=80=99s fertile = mind,=20 suggesting;

=E2=80=98=E2=80=99A Statue of Benn = Gunn, reading a book which is=20 upside down, sitting on an unexploded bomb, with a constant loop of = Spike=E2=80=99s=20 theme tune played on an out of tune piano.=E2=80=99=E2=80=99 =

Composer Denis King=E2=80=99s = suggestion was a lifesized=20 pigeon with a tiny statue of Spike on its head.( Pigeon holed=20 again!)

And journalist Valerie Grove = suggested =E2=80=93=20 a yellow spike.

Perhaps it should just be a bronze = of Spike on=20 the telephone with the caption: =E2=80=98=E2=80=99Hello. = Stat-ue?=E2=80=99=E2=80=99

I never knew Spike personally, but = =E2=80=93 I do=20 subscribe to the general belief that he was a bit of a wayward genius. = One of=20 those rare Renaissense men, like Noel Coward, who can do it all, = musician, poet,=20 actor, wit, iconoclast =E2=80=93 someone whom this, often quite narrow = country doesn=E2=80=99t=20 quite know what to do with.

I was present on the night he = received an award=20 from HRH. Prince Charles at Bafta and responded to the Prince=E2=80=99s = eulogy by=20 saying: =E2=80=98thank you, you grovelling bastard.=E2=80=99. It was an = incredible moment at=20 once, excrutiatingly funny - and - excruciating. Essentially the kind of = spontaneous, hair-raising, dangerous and moment that recalls the Fool in = Lear,=20 Max Miller and Lenny Bruce and anticipates Monty Python Sacha = Baron Cohen=20 and Chris Morris. He was the Salvadore Dali of the world of comedy, = iconoclast,=20 wit, surrealist, cartoonist, warrier, worrier, musician, poet and Player = prince.

Like Denis the Menace,he had madcap = mischief,=20 poring out of every pore.One night in one of his stage shows he sat on = the edge=20 of the stage and said;

=E2=80=98Sorry I=E2=80=99m late = folks I=E2=80=99ve had a three day=20 Cancer. =E2=80=98=E2=80=99after a pause, he added;

=E2=80=98-And now for the = world=E2=80=99s most embarrassed=20 silence championships.=E2=80=99

Have you ever wondered who writes = the jokes we=20 all Email to each other? Spike wrote some ... he didn=E2=80=99t make = crafted jokes they=20 were too premeditated. I wasn=E2=80=99t a Goon afficianado but = I=E2=80=99ve barked out loud=20 whilst researching this address at some of the wit which leaped = unescorted by=20 propriety from his shapely lips;

One day he came into the office = which he and=20 various other comedy writers shared, over a betting shop in = Shepherd=E2=80=99s Bush, and=20 was aghast to find tea leaves poured down the lavatory. He marched into = the=20 secretaries=E2=80=99 office and yelled;

=E2=80=98Who=E2=80=99s flushed tea = leaves down the=20 lavatory?=E2=80=99

There was an embarrassed silence = broken by the=20 voice of the newest girl, who had only started work the day=20 befor.

=E2=80=98I=E2=80=99m awfully sorry, = but I=E2=80=99m afraid it was=20 me.=E2=80=99

Spike looked long and hard at her = and=20 said;

I see you will meet a tall dark, = stranger.=E2=80=99=E2=80=99.=20

Spike once phoned a friend who=20 answered;

=E2=80=98Who is speaking please? =

=E2=80=98You = are,=E2=80=99answered Spike.

One night a neighbour knocked = on his=20 door, after ten at night, and said;

=E2=80=98=E2=80=99 Saw you on the = telly last night.=20 Brilliant.=E2=80=99

= =E2=80=98Right=E2=80=99 said Spike and shut the door=20 in his face. A week later he rapped on the same neighbour=E2=80=99s door = at midnight.=20 When he answered it, Spike said;

=E2=80=98=E2=80=99 Saw you mowing = the lawn yesterday.=20 Brilliant.=E2=80=99=E2=80=99

I especially enjoyed his absurd one = liners and=20 his reflections on the Almighty;

=E2=80=98Is anything worn under the=20 kilt?=E2=80=99

=E2=80=98 No, it=E2=80=99s all in = perfect order.=E2=80=99

=E2=80=98 And God Said let there be = light, and Lo, there=20 was light abut the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until = Thursday=20 to be connected.

And God said let the = earth bring=20 forth grass, and Lo, the earth brought forth grass and Thr Rastafarians = smoked=20 it.=E2=80=99

Once, at a birthday party, he=20 mused;

=E2=80=98Anyone can be 52 but it = takes a bus to be=20 52A.=E2=80=99

His frequent depression took the = form of a deep=20 melancholy. He was in a glazed state at the Oldie lunch I referred to = earlier.=20 To cheer him up, Barry Cryer leaned across the table and=20 said;

=E2=80=98=E2=80=99 You = realise there are a lot of=20 Paedophiles here Spike.=E2=80=99

Spike regarded him mournfully = and=20 said;

=E2=80=98Why do you hate = us?

I WONDER WHAT Spike would have made = of current=20 events like the theMarch TV debate between the three putative=20 leaders?

The joke goes;

A teacher, in a Hackney = comprehensive says to=20 his class;

=E2=80=98 Hands up everyone = who=E2=80=99s a Gordon Brown=20 fan.=E2=80=99

All the kids raise their hands = except Johnny.=20 The teacher asks why not and he says because I=E2=80=99m not a Gordon = Brown fan.The=20 teacher asks why and Johnny replies =E2=80=98because I=E2=80=99m a = Conservative.=E2=80=99

Teacher asks him on what grounds he = is a=20 Conservative, and he replies;

=E2=80=98My Mum=E2=80=99s a = Conservative, my Dad=E2=80=99s a=20 Conservative, so I=E2=80=99m a Conservative.=E2=80=99

He teacher, says jeeringly, = =E2=80=98If your Mum was an=20 idiot and and your dad was a moron , what would that make you=20 then?=E2=80=99

Puzzled, Johnny says;

=E2=80=98A Gordon Brown = fan.=E2=80=99

I wonder what Spike would have made = of Iceland=20 borrowing squillions, then; We said send us Cash not Ash!=E2=80=99 =

Barry Cryer once = said;

=E2=80=98I=E2=80=99ve never = known anyone who could be so=20 consistently inconsistent. Spike=E2=80=99s take on Barry was to shout, = when he saw=20 him;

=E2=80=98Cryer=E2=80=99s here...take = my jokes! Don=E2=80=99t hurt=20 me.=E2=80=99

--------------------------------------------------= -----------------------------------------

My Homage to Spike is- in = honour of the=20 Grovelling Bastard HRH.remark, two monologues from a series of = twenty I=E2=80=99ve=20 written tentatively titled =E2=80=98=E2=80=99Collecting = Myself.=E2=80=99=E2=80=99

BRITTNEY=E2=80=99S GOT = TALENT.

DAFTAS.

Why does Finchley, former = constituency of the=20 Cross Iron Lady, need a statue of a Puckoonish comic with a genius for = mayhem=20 who took all our minds off every day, parochial small-mindedness = and did=20 what comedy is supposed to do ie. =E2=80=93 examine a skewered = civilisation and, by=20 mocking it, restore proportion.

It doesn=E2=80=99t. But then did = Kensington Gardens need=20 Spike to paint blue trousers on all the fairies and elved carved into a = rotten=20 old stump of a tree?

I=E2=80=99m sure of it. If just one = child regards=20 Spike=E2=80=99s work with wonder... and if one solitary soul sits down = on the bench,=20 beside Spike, unplugs his Iphone, removes his Ipod and looks into the = twin faces=20 of Comedy and Tragedy and smiles in remembrance. Then. yes we do need = that=20 statue... and, thanks to all of you good burgers...Yes we = can!

Finally, I leave you with = Spike=E2=80=99s assessment of=20 his own career;

=E2=80=98When I look back, the = fondest memory I have is=20 not really of the Goons. It=E2=80=99s of a girl called Julia with = enormous=20 breasts.=E2=80=99=E2=80=99

--------------------------------------------------= ------------------------------------------The=20 unrehearsed concert on Sunday the 18^th of March = 2010,=20 was a triumphant success. We had jazz and poetry from Spike=E2=80=99s = daughter Jane=20 Milligan. Victoria Wood, who stepped in to save the day having thought = it was=20 the unveiling of a statue not the grovelling to get one, donned a pink = woolly=20 hat and gave us topical comedy and for a sketch set in a coffee shop = which had=20 the house braying with laughter.Young Jessie Buckley from =E2=80=98The = Search for Nancy=E2=80=99=20 and Little Night Music, sang jazz classics with the sweetness and = finesse of=20 Cleo Laine and Judy Garland rolled into one and I did what = you=E2=80=99ve just read. Oh=20 and ran the book auction with the Mayor of Barnet. It was an old = fashioned=20 Variety bill, played in full fluoresant light with a sound system based = on=20 British Rail=E2=80=99s best, and it couldn=E2=80=99t have been bettered. = We made =C2=A3 - and=20 had a ball. So far, we have half the donations we need. If you like the = model=20 and the idea then send a donation to The Spike Milligan Statue society, = at=20 =E2=80=93

And that folks...is=20 Chutspah.